I have bangs again!

About six weeks ago, I tried to blow out the hair that should be my bangs (fringe, for you Brits), and it looked a bit too Audrey Hepburn pixie-ish for my liking.

But, yesterday, I tried again and was able to achieve wispy, long bangs at last.  Yeah, me!

Last year, I finished chemo on February 19.  So, for those of you keeping score at home, it takes about a year to grow bangs from scratch. 

By the way, the first picture isn't of me.

There's just no off-ramp to an easy detour

I've been awake since 4:00 a.m. for no particularly good reason.  In recent weeks, normal sleep has been a fickle lover.

Oh, I can attribute my frustrations to any number of annoying pharmaceutical side effects, mood disorders, or just plain old challenges that any mid-lifer with middle school boys could have.  But, I'm not going to list those...except, I do wonder how long before young teen boys will eventually take an interest in their personal hygiene.  I'm tired of inspecting teeth for signs of at least minimal brushing and sniffing armpits before I let them exit the house in the morning for the bus stop.

However, the main thing is, I'm tired of waking up mad.

I've never particularly been a morning person.  I remember an old boss (a terrible old boss...don't worry...it's none of you that might be reading this) who bragged that every morning when her alarm went off at 5:00 a.m., she jumped up out of bed, excited to be facing the day!  She couldn't wait to put a load of laundry in the washer, go for a run, and report to work for yet another day full of people complaining to her about how nothing worked correctly.  She was one of those who didn't have 'weakends'.  She had 'strongends'.  Even in my naive 20's, I realized she'd drunk the Koolaid.

But, there must be a reasonable medium...somewhere between seething and Zig Ziglar mania.

I read something recently about grief that really stuck with me.  Even though the article was about grieving over the death of a loved one, I realized the principles applied to me.  My life has irrevocable changed ever since that day back in May of 2012 when my surgeon confirmed our suspicions: I have cancer.  I am grieving the loss of that pre-cancerous life.

Yes, I've had amazing successes with my treatment, and I'm so grateful for the support of so many around me who've helped in so many ways.  But, the fact of the matter is, my body has changed in ways I never realized it could, and I'm very, very sad about that.

The thing that article brought home to me is, you can't rush grief.  You have to slog through it.  There's just no off-ramp to an easy detour.  But, one day, you realize you've come a little further down the road to discovering that new life on the other side.

But, I'm impatient.  I want to be there now.

Clear PET scan!

Just a quick note to let everyone know that my latest PET scan is all clear!

I'll have another follow up with my oncologist in three months, and the next PET will likely be in another six months.

Life is good.

Anxieties and anticipations

In a couple of hours I'm off to get my long-awaited PET scan.  Wish me good juju for normal blood sugar and a heightened tolerance for claustrophobia...and ultimately, encouraging results.  The saga continues.

And soon, I promise a new picture of my new longish short hair.  Finding a good hair day in combination with the motivation to put some makeup on in order to craft the perfect selfie has been challenging.  I'll get there.

(P.S.  My spellcheck doesn't recognize juju or selfie. Hope I spelled them correctly.)

Some good news at last

My blood sugar is low enough to reschedule my PET scan!

I'm set to have it next week on Wednesday, January 22nd.  What a relief.  Now, I can sit back and simply worry about the results, like a normal cancer patient.  Hopefully, I'll be able to hear the results from my oncologist within a few days of the scan.

Still feeling punky from the Metformin, but it's slowly getting better.

Diabetes just plain sucks

I've been trying for days to conjure up some triumphant message about my newest challenge.  Something like, I have type II diabetes, hear me roar! But, it just ain't coming.

Diabetes sucks.  Well, maybe it's just Metformin that sucks.  Metformin is the typical front-line oral medication for type II diabetes.  After being on the lowest beginning dose for a week, I called my doctor to plea for the most aggressive treatment possible.  I'll fix her little red wagon, she thinks.  Let's double her dose.

Ugh. Nausea like I've never had before.  Worse than any stomach flu.  Monumentally worse than anything I remotely experienced during chemo.  I'm sure it's payback for the morning sickness I never had when pregnant with the twins.  We're talking, leave me alone and just let me loll around in my bed all day nausea.

I withstood this for four days, and based on the advice of some of my new online diabetes buddies, I called my doctor today to ask if I could try the extended release version, which is supposed to be gentler on the stomach...plus, being January, our family hasn't come anywhere near to reaching our medication insurance deductible for the year, so the $243 for the 30-day supply of Metformin ER will move us closer to that particular financial goal.

OK, so maybe there's a little bit of a silver lining to this cloud.  Nobody can argue that being committed to eating a healthier diet is a bad thing.  Daily exercise helps bring down high blood glucose, and that's certainly not a bad thing either.  Inevitable loss of excess weight, certainly a good thing.

The true triumph will be finally getting my PET scan...and perhaps getting served up a bit of a lesson in patience.

But still, diabetes just plain sucks.

I'm pissed as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore

Over the last few days, I've been stewing in a silent vat of helplessness, self-loathing, and, above all, unrelenting anger.  It has been paralyzing. I've been ruminating about doctors, doctors' staffs, pharmaceutical companies, and the general rights and wrongs of the world.  A real hodgepodge.

But, no more.

This is my blog, and I can write about anything I wish.

Today, I'm choosing to rant about how employer-provided healthcare is affected by the Affordable Care Act.  And, I should probably say that while I'm not necessarily a proponent of the ACA, I do believe in and hope for universal healthcare for every American citizen.  But, really my position on this issue doesn't have any bearing on what I'm about to rant about.  Here goes:

I'm sick and tired of hearing how Obamacare is going to raise our healthcare costs.  However, I'm not naive nor do I desire to spin a political agenda that doesn't want to recognize that end user healthcare costs have risen and will no doubt continue to rise, but before you go pointing your finger at any political entity, make sure you've got your ire doled out in all the right places.

The health insurance industry decides what price to charge the employers who buy group policies to offer to their employees. It is, certainly, reasonable that as the ACA mandates new coverage requirements (like pre-existing conditions) to the insurance companies, the insurance companies must estimate the cost increases required to pay for these mandated changes and decide how to cover them.  They are the first gatekeeper in determining the cost of your employer-provided healthcare insurance, yet I've heard zero discussion of the power the insurance companies wield in determining our out-of-pocket costs.  Their bottom line is profit making through exploiting a market need, not offering affordable healthcare.

The next gatekeeper, whom I would hope carefully and compassionately determines how the ACA affects your wallet, is your employer.  But, once again, your employer is a profit making (or at least profit-protecting) machine too.  Once the insurance company passes its premium quotes on to your employer, your employer must decide what percentage of that cost they are willing and able to cover.  The remainder is what you pay every month for the privilege of health insurance.

ACA Mandates
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Insurance Companies (profit makers)
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Employers (profit makers/protectors)
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Your wallet

Is everyone in this chain acting responsibly, smartly, and without malice?

Don't worry.  My rants are far from done.  Soon...why you really might or might not be able to keep your primary care physician.

And hopefully soon, my newly diagnosed medication-induced-or-not diabetes will get under control enough for me to have my PET scan.  Estimate: in about a month. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy the many, many trips to the restroom to which my new diabetes medication is treating me. Happy Flushing!