People ask me how I'm feeling, and I'm often stumped and just say something socially acceptable, like "really well, thank you." Sometimes I do feel really well. Other times I feel confused that I'm not feeling on top of the world. Then, there are other days that are still full of fatigue, hot flashes, insomnia and general bad moods.
Luckily, I've had some wonderful days...days when I don't think of cancer. Warm summer beach days under an umbrella with a contraband tropical drink and my Kindle, glimpsing up occasionally to be sure my boys haven't drifted too far down the beach in the waves. An evening of parental pride, watching a band camp final concert, one son on trumpet, one on percussion. Dinners out with old friends.
But, there also have been days when I just want to crawl back under the covers...which I do as often as I can manage it. A hefty dose of guilt usually accompanies these days. Shouldn't I be out living each day of my remission to the fullest? These are the hardest days to navigate.
Then I also have some general good days. Days when I feel like cooking again and helping the boys with their homework and going out to lunch with a friend. I can now grocery shop without feeling like the walking dead as I roll my cart out to the car.
I can walk over a mile now or last for 20 minutes on the elliptical. My hair is coming in VERY curly, so curly that it's hard to appreciate the growth because the curls are so tight that additional length is hidden in the spirals. Some days I like it...others I feel like I got a bad perm. Funny...I think the process of growing my hair back in is more traumatic to me than loosing it at the start of chemo. But, I must admit, I'm glad it was back in time for the hot part of the summer. I didn't relish the idea of wearing any kind of head cover in 90-degree weather.
So, this is me. Just making my way through this new life of mine, looking for my new normal.
