People ask me how I'm feeling, and I'm often stumped and just say something socially acceptable, like "really well, thank you." Sometimes I do feel really well. Other times I feel confused that I'm not feeling on top of the world. Then, there are other days that are still full of fatigue, hot flashes, insomnia and general bad moods.
Luckily, I've had some wonderful days...days when I don't think of cancer. Warm summer beach days under an umbrella with a contraband tropical drink and my Kindle, glimpsing up occasionally to be sure my boys haven't drifted too far down the beach in the waves. An evening of parental pride, watching a band camp final concert, one son on trumpet, one on percussion. Dinners out with old friends.
But, there also have been days when I just want to crawl back under the covers...which I do as often as I can manage it. A hefty dose of guilt usually accompanies these days. Shouldn't I be out living each day of my remission to the fullest? These are the hardest days to navigate.
Then I also have some general good days. Days when I feel like cooking again and helping the boys with their homework and going out to lunch with a friend. I can now grocery shop without feeling like the walking dead as I roll my cart out to the car.
I can walk over a mile now or last for 20 minutes on the elliptical. My hair is coming in VERY curly, so curly that it's hard to appreciate the growth because the curls are so tight that additional length is hidden in the spirals. Some days I like it...others I feel like I got a bad perm. Funny...I think the process of growing my hair back in is more traumatic to me than loosing it at the start of chemo. But, I must admit, I'm glad it was back in time for the hot part of the summer. I didn't relish the idea of wearing any kind of head cover in 90-degree weather.
So, this is me. Just making my way through this new life of mine, looking for my new normal.
Hi Beth,
ReplyDeleteSo good to have some news of your health and that you are in remission. Paul had spoken to Stephane but I wasn't 100% sure.
Don't you think it's normal to have bad moods and general fatigue even though you're on the mend? It must have been such a traumatic experience that you must heal physically and emotionally too.
Hair talk now... A woman's hair changes in thickness, curls... every 8 to 10 years. It's a possibility that it's regrowing differently to what it was before, you'll be like me :-)
But has it gets longer the weight will pull it straighter again.
I am happy that you have enjoyed the summer and that you are feeling well enough to enjoy beach days and diners out with friends, even though you have those less good days too. At least there are highlights and if you read your blog all over again from the first posts you'll see how far you've come.
We think of you often and hope things will carry on getting better.
Laurie
xx
Hello Beth,
ReplyDeleteGood to hear from you, happy to hear that you are in remission. It is hard to cope with the mood swings that you have every reason to have. It's so nice when you are up and difficult when you are down. I hope your up days will increase and that you will leave the down ones behind. When I feel down I find that putting music on helps and to sing along loudly! Singing seems to help to improve the mood and I know you like singing so thought I'd just throw that in, ;)
It sounds as though you had a nice relaxing summer. Great that you can do so well now on the elliptical and walk a mile, that is good progress!
I've known other people who have lost hair having chemo whose hair has grown back in very different to how it was before, strange isn't it? I hope you will like the new curly you as it gets longer, the shorter my hair is the curlier it is so I think too that your curls should relax a bit as it gets longer.
All best wishes and love, Angela xxx
So glad to 'hear' from you, but sorry your Rentrée is so much earlier than ours! But we're getting there too and can remember clearly when you and yours faced the never-ending list of school materials, and struggled to find the exercise books with the correct number of pages - squared or lined ...!!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds as though you're living your life like any one of us, good days, bad days, duvet days ... and the sneaky drink!! You are still in our thoughts and it's great that you are getting so much fitter!! As for the hair do, you may not be able to change the shape of it, but are you going to 'do' a colour ... an Alsacian 'aubergine' or raucous red for example?
Lovely to hear about the boys' concert .... photos appreciated ... and music clip if poss. They are doing well and will already be fine young men, light-years away from their nervous beginnings in a foreign land. Proud of them from afar ............ and of you and Paul for having made them the lovely lads they have continued to be. Love to Duke too! Stay close
xxxxxx.
xxxx
Hello from Colmar ! Thank you to give news of you and all your family. We moved in august into a nice house with swimming-pool in Colmar, near Super U next to the train station. You remember ? Klervie stopped the choir this year, but Gaétane started it. All the children are doing gym and Titouan plays ping-pong. Andrick works for SCA now (ex GP) and I work 23h/week in schools. I am still praying for you at church to ask for an ever longer remission. Love XX Katy Lacroix
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