I've been awake since 4:00 a.m. for no particularly good reason. In recent weeks, normal sleep has been a fickle lover.
Oh, I can attribute my frustrations to any number of annoying pharmaceutical side effects, mood disorders, or just plain old challenges that any mid-lifer with middle school boys could have. But, I'm not going to list those...except, I do wonder how long before young teen boys will eventually take an interest in their personal hygiene. I'm tired of inspecting teeth for signs of at least minimal brushing and sniffing armpits before I let them exit the house in the morning for the bus stop.
However, the main thing is, I'm tired of waking up mad.
I've never particularly been a morning person. I remember an old boss (a terrible old boss...don't worry...it's none of you that might be reading this) who bragged that every morning when her alarm went off at 5:00 a.m., she jumped up out of bed, excited to be facing the day! She couldn't wait to put a load of laundry in the washer, go for a run, and report to work for yet another day full of people complaining to her about how nothing worked correctly. She was one of those who didn't have 'weakends'. She had 'strongends'. Even in my naive 20's, I realized she'd drunk the Koolaid.
But, there must be a reasonable medium...somewhere between seething and Zig Ziglar mania.
I read something recently about grief that really stuck with me. Even though the article was about grieving over the death of a loved one, I realized the principles applied to me. My life has irrevocable changed ever since that day back in May of 2012 when my surgeon confirmed our suspicions: I have cancer. I am grieving the loss of that pre-cancerous life.
Yes, I've had amazing successes with my treatment, and I'm so grateful for the support of so many around me who've helped in so many ways. But, the fact of the matter is, my body has changed in ways I never realized it could, and I'm very, very sad about that.
The thing that article brought home to me is, you can't rush grief. You have to slog through it. There's just no off-ramp to an easy detour. But, one day, you realize you've come a little further down the road to discovering that new life on the other side.
But, I'm impatient. I want to be there now.
Hello Beth,
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear that you are having such mixed emotions, it is hardly surprising but I hope that before too long you will manage to come to terms with what has happened and to settle down to your new normal and that it will become easier to live day to day life and to be happy! Yes, grief takes a lot of working through, but you will get there and find that life is still good. All your family and friends are so happy that you still have a life to live and enjoy! I hope that soon you will see that your life on the other side is good!.
Dearest Beth
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you have found the link between the diagnosis and mourning your life 'pre-cancer', because as you work through this grief - which is equally valid for divorces as well as deaths - you will come out the other end. 'When' is simply a matter of time as it varies for each person, but the end point is the same .... acceptance and life continues. Do not hesitate to seek professional help if you feel you are getting 'stuck'. There's always a way through this, albeit taking the 'scenic' route rather than the 'interstate'.
We have a thread in the British Snoring and Sleep Apnoea Association's website called the 4.27 am Club. Many of the forum's members - including myself - are lifetime members!!! Are you offering to form the Snellville Chapter of our gang?!!
My Canadian 'daughter' many years ago told me of a phrase that she'd heard many times in her youth ...."don't get mad, get even." I'm not inciting you to do anything naughty, illegal or violent, but ......;-)
Just maybe the 'antenatal relaxation exercises' from all those years back might be worth dusting off .... I've recently taken up Yoga and have found it very calming ... at least for the rest of the road users between the centre where I have class and home after my session!!!
But what sings and shines out from your post is that you are living. LIVING!! Facing the everyday, perhaps making what seem to be banal decisions, coping with hormonally-rampant teenagers, infact living the lives we all do, but don't realise their significance and how fortunate we are to be living them. You may not realise this Beth, but you teach us all so much, and we are nurtured and supported by what you write, and perhaps you don't know it, but this brings us closer together even if the miles and the Atlantic separates us.
As Mother Julian of Norwich, a 14th century Christian mystic said “And all shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be exceeding well.” try to allow this turbulent period to pass. It will. But when? Ah, as Shakespeare said 'That's the rub'. Please hang on to this last proposed 'quote' which is meant with all my love from Psalm 30 .......... "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" because morning ALWAYS follows the night, and there will always be better times ahead so do hang on and know that you are greatly loved, appreciated and valued. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx