Chemo number last

I’m currently sitting in my recliner at the infusion center at Northside Hospital, having my sixth (and, hopefully, final) chemotherapy treatment.  I’m feeling a little woozy, so you’ll have to excuse any incoherent expressions.

I’ve had all my pre-meds to prepare me for the chemo drugs I receive, taxol and carbo.  There’s two anti-nausea medications, a steroid, an antihistamine, and lots of saline...which means lots of trips to the restroom.  I’m currently receiving the taxol, which takes three hours to infuse.  After that, I’ll get the carbo, which takes an hour to infuse.  It should all be finished up in time to drive back home in rush hour traffic.

I’ve got a corner spot in the infusion center, with windows on two sides...a prime location.  My infusion nurse, Brittany, is very sweet and attentive.  I thought I’d met all the infusion nurses before, but she’s a new one to me.  All the nurses here have been phenomenal, making this horrendous process a little more palatable.  I can’t recommend this place more to anyone fighting the good cancer fight.

In about three weeks, I’ll have another PET/CT to assess the chemotherapy effectiveness.

Of course, my thoughts still turn to the boys and wondering what they’re up to.  Allen’s classes started yesterday, and Boyce’s start tomorrow.  I’ve had fleeting texts with them, but no substantial communication.  I know they need their space, and I want to give it to them.  But, gees, I miss them.

I do have something new on which to focus my attention.  Paul and I decided to celebrate the end of my chemotherapy and getting the boys off to college by taking a short trip to the California wine country.  We won’t leave until late October because we’ve got parent weekends at both the boys’ schools in late September and early October.  I’ve had fun researching wineries and varietals.  I’m embarrassed to admit that, even though I’m very familiar with French wines after living there for three years, I know little about wines in my home country.  We plan to be educated.

Well, that about all I can get out for right now.  I think lunch and a nap is in order.

Life is interesting, isn’t it?

It’s the early morning hours again, and I’m wide awake in my generic hotel room near the college where my son Boyce will be going to school for the next four years.  I’ve been here for the three-day long student and parent orientation program.  At first I thought three days was waaay too long, but it’s given me time to process, time to watch Boyce settle in and start to make friends, and I will be able to leave today in much better shape emotionally than I was three days ago.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do as a parent.  I’ve gone through the gamut of emotions over this life transition.  I’ve been unsure, worried, ready to pack him up and bring him back home...and then magically, I’ve seen him start to bond with his roommate, speak to people as he crosses the campus, develop an assurance in his step and a confidence in his being.  He’s ready...and I think I’m ready.

I had to laugh to myself yesterday as we were chatting between orientation sessions.  He asked me if his sheets and comforter can be washed in the washing machine in his residence hall.  Have I always washed his bed linens for him?  I must have.  He’s been washing his own clothes since middle school, but I guess he’s never been instructed about sheets and other bedding.  How could I have missed this mundane life lesson?  But, I know I’ve prepared him for the big stuff, the stuff that will make him successful and grow in yet unknown exponential ways over the next few years.

I will miss him horribly...his easy-going manner, his incredible sense of humor, his sensitivity to others, but it’s time for him share those gifts with the world.  I couldn’t feel more gutted, but I also couldn’t feel prouder.

His twin brother, Allen, has transitioned to his new life too.  He moved into his university on the same day that Boyce moved in here.  Paul and I had to split ways to make this move happen simultaneously, so I wasn’t able to be there to help Allen make his bed and find the perfect spot for all his belongings.  I didn’t get to meet his roommate...all things I regret, but it had to be that way.  Reports from Paul is that all went well...they found room for everything in his cramped little cell-like dorm room.  It went so well that Allen was really a bit anxious for Paul to leave so he could get out and explore his new world, hook up with friends old and new.  Allen’s university is close to home, so I will be able to go see his new digs soon.  I’ll feel more complete about this parenting stage once I’m able to do that.  Yes, I’m such a mom.

So here Paul and I go, launching ourselves into our own new lives.  We talked on the phone at length last night about the things we’re looking forward to doing, just the two of us.  It helped to look to the future and see all the possibilities that still lie ahead for us.

My energy levels have held up amazingly well during this goodbye process.  Luckily, it’s week three of my treatment cycle, when typically I’m at my best.  I have my final chemo session on Tuesday of next week, and I’m ready to get that under my belt.  Then, in a couple of weeks I’ll have another PET/CT to assess how successful my six sessions of chemotherapy have been in eradicating the cancer.  My CA-125 continues to drop, and my immune system continues to hold up to the rigors of treatment.  I’m ready for some good news, ready to put this chapter behind me and move forward with living my life without the restraints of scheduled treatments, lab work, and doctors’ appointments.

All these transitions coming at once.  Life is interesting, isn’t it?

Between stages

Today, I made an early morning trek to Starbucks.  It’s not that I didn’t have coffee here at home.  Paul had already left for work, and it would be hours before the boys are up.  I just needed something to do.  I got caught behind a few school buses, wistfully watching the school kids climb aboard while smaller siblings and parents waved good bye.

I’m in that in-between mode right now.  Between treatments.  Between high school agendas and getting ready to move the boys into their respective colleges next week.  NEXT WEEK!  How did that happen?

The guest bedroom is brimming with XL bed linens, desk lamps, and plastic storage bins.  Almost all is done but the crying, and I’m finding myself a little lost.  After Paul went to bed last night, I was feeling a little lonely, so I went upstairs to visit with my still-awake boys.  I didn’t have anything in particular to say.  I just wanted to be around them.  “Is my room going to stay the same after I leave?” Allen asked unsurely.  “Yes, of course.  It will still be your room.  Well, maybe I’ll put in some new bed linens and drapes,” I said, “at least until you graduate from college.”

I don’t think any of us quite know what to do with ourselves.  Trapped right now between phases in life.

This chemo cycle has been a difficult one for me, and I still have one more to go.  I really got mowed over by fatigue after last Tuesday’s treatment.  There were several days that I was in bed more than out.  But, still no nausea and still no bone pain or tingling in my extremities.  I know in the grand scheme of things, I’m still lucky, but the relentless fatigue had me worried that I’d be able to muster the energy to get me through the next few weeks of packing and traveling.  I’ll just have to take it as it comes and do whatever I need to do.  It’s hard not to know how I’ll be feeling during this most life changing of eras in my boys’ lives.  I am very thankful that a dear friend will be traveling with me to take Boyce to his move in and orientation, a three-day affair, and my brother is meeting us there to help unload and settle in.  Meanwhile, Paul will tackle Allen’s move in, the same day as Boyce’s.  Born the same day; moving into college the same day.  How could it possibly be any different?

So, here I am.  Getting bored with the waiting and preparations and yet anxious about the fruition of all these months of planning, acquisition, and packing.  And worrying about my ability to rise to the occasion required of a parent seeing her twin-born young men off to this next phase.

It will be what it will be.  Send all the extra energy you can muster my way.

Kayaking without the dolphins

The weather was perfect last evening. Broad Creek was at near low tide, and the wind was only a whisper.  It should have been the ideal time for kayaking with the dolphins, but other than one faint unseen spurt from a blow hole just as we were coming back into dock after a two-hour paddle to experience what became the illusive sea creature, there were no dolphins to be seen.  “Eighty per cent of the time, we see dolphins,” boasted our guide.

Oh well.  It was still a great paddle under ideal circumstances, and I’m most proud of the fact that my kayaking skills remain intact...not that I’m a veteran, by any stretch of the imagination...but I do enjoy getting out on occasion.  The ease of the paddle rotating through the water when you get your rhythm just right.  The silence of it all, except for the swish-swish of paddle to water.  I kept up, mostly in the front of our tour group, and was determined that this chemo woman, this cancer patient, was not going to tire out and hold the group back...and I didn’t, and it was glorious.

Ester Williams has nothing on me

Perhaps it’s been since the Ester Williams era of the 1950’s that you thought of women wearing a  bathing cap, but that’s exactly what I’ve been doing this week at Hilton Head Island.  Not only do I want to disguise my bald pate, I want to protect its tender skin from the harsh rays of the sun.  Hence, my retro bathing cap.

My eyes are squinted a bit more than usual, as the wind was whipping up a bit of a sand storm, but let it never be said that I didn’t want to make a statement with my headwear.  Yes, I’ve gotten more than the occasional sideways glance from the masses along the beach, but I truly don’t care.  I’ve got my beach read, my adult beverage, my comfy beach chair, and my family around me.  What more could a girl ask for?  It’s a lovely way to escape the regimen of chemotherapy and cancer worries for a week.  So what if i don’t have long curly locks to tie up into a stylish bun?  That time will come again.  In the meantime, I’ll take my Ester Williams look in exchange for healthier times in the future. 

A welcome respite

Well, my new normal seems to be waking up about 4:00 a.m., as I did this morning.  I don’t mind, anymore, because I went to bed at 10:00 last night and had a long three-hour nap yesterday afternoon.  The house is very quiet, and I’ve come to like this contemplative time to myself.

I got my Day 10 blood work results yesterday, and they’re great!  My neutrophils are hanging in there at 2300, a little below what’s normal for the average person but well above what’s considered acceptable to continue treatment without any bone marrow support.  Additionally, the cancer marker, CA-125, continues to drop, indicating my cancer is receding.  I’ve got four chemotherapy treatments under my belt with two more to go.  I really couldn’t ask for better.

My energy levels are okay, probably great for this stage in the chemo game, but I certainly look forward to the day that I feel fully myself again.  I did have a little scare about a week ago when my temperature spiked up to 101.6, but it resolved within six hours with some ibuprofen and Tylenol, and no other symptoms.  My oncologist wasn’t too concerned, and with the positive Day 10 blood work, we consider it of no consequence.

Paul, the boys, and I leave for Hilton Head Island today for a week long family vacation, perhaps our last together for a while with the boys starting college in a few short weeks.  I want to cherish this time we’ll have together, and I look forward to many hours reading my book in a comfy chair under the beach tent.  Since the boys had solo experiences with no parents down at Hilton Head earlier this summer, I hope Paul and I don’t cramp their style too much.  I have to keep reminding myself that they’re young men now with their own agendas.

I’m lucky that this trip I planned back in February before I knew of my cancer recurrence so nicely fits into my chemo schedule.  It’s during the third week of the cycle, just before my next treatment on the 30th, and typically the week when I’m feeling at my best.  I don’t know that I’ll feel up to climbing the Sea Pines Lighthouse, but we do plan on going on an evening nature-guided kayak tour in the interior marshes of the island, near dolphin feeding grounds.  We’re all hopeful to kayak alongside the dolphins.  I’ve done this once before, and it was magical.  The touring company has named several of the dolphins, so I think this is a good indicator that they often appear.

However, I have to admit that the chemo regimen is getting old about now.  I’m tired of feeling tired, and I’m tired of parsing out my days based on someone else’s agenda.  I’m ready to plan my life at my own whim, but I remind myself that I’ve only got about another month to go before I’ve got all six treatments under my belt.  And then, hopefully, another long remission when I’m the captain of my own ship, heading to whatever new lands that ship takes me.  I’ve already got tentative plans of some travels I hope to undertake when I’m done.  It’s nice to have those goals and be an armchair travel agent, taking myself to both familiar and unfamiliar places.

But, then there’s my new life of an empty nester coming up and all the uncertainties that brings.  I know I’ve got to find something meaningful to occupy my time, and I enjoy finding myself sifting through the possibilities.  Cancer has a way of changing your perspective of what’s important, and though I only have inklings of where I’ll end up, I know I want to participate in something that matters, to give back to the universe some of the positive energy it has given me to get through this journey.

However, right now, I just need to focus on packing my suitcase and hitting the road to the coast, a welcome respite with my own agenda at the top of the list.  I think I’ve earned this one.

Four down, two to go

Just a quick post to let everybody know my fourth session of chemo went well yesterday.  One of my sons accompanied Paul and me, and he sat with me the majority of the time while Paul “worked remotely” from the waiting room.  We had good conversation together, and I’m glad we were able to share some quality time.  He’s not squeamish about needles and such, so I think he actually enjoyed watching my chemo nurse access my port to get the ball rolling.

Paul went back to work full time on Monday and seems to be managing well with the schedule.  He’s been tired in the evenings but not so much so that he isn’t able to recover for the next day.  I think he’s enjoying getting out of the house on a regular basis after being largely cooped up for several weeks recovering from surgery.

This morning, I’ve been feeling pretty good.  Not very tired at all, though I know an afternoon nap is probably in order, if the residual steroids will allow it.

We’re thoroughly enjoying having meals brought to us from friends in the community during chemo weeks.  I’m so thankful for this help.  It makes our lives so much easier, and — if I’m awake when the food arrives — it’s so nice to have a brief visit from the meal provider.  Thank you all again for your assistance.  It really means the world to us to have such caring friends.

And thank you to the rest of my readers.  I now have over 60,000 page views of my blog!  Your support and comments make this girl feel loved.