I woke up in a funk about 4:15 a.m., and it seems there’s no going back to bed for me this morning. I’m wide awake and full of negative feelings. I guess this is the other shoe falling in my treatment cycle. I have been blessed with largely avoiding the physical side effects of chemotherapy, but I think the emotional ones have caught up with me. It’s not an unusual thing to happen during treatment, but it has caught me off guard. At the moment, all my positive mojo fails me, and the worries have settled in for a bit.
I think the relief that my first treatment was relatively easy on me gave me a real boost. Yeah, my body is behaving like it should again! But, I think that’s why this slump feels so profound. The enormity of what I’m undertaking is hitting home. Having cancer feels like betrayal. Where did it come from in the first place, and why is it back now? Why do I have to fight the good fight...again?
This slump won’t last. At least I have the experience and perspective to know what I’m going through right now is natural. Anger. Frustration. Sadness. Perfectly normal reactions to an untenable situation. I know I have to acknowledge my feelings in order to work through them.
I could have kept this post to myself. I could have resolved to make my way through today by just grinning and bearing it and hoping for better tomorrow...but, it didn’t feel honest. If part of the reason I write this blog is to share the experience of cancer, then I need to share the not-so-great stuff too.
The raw fact of the matter is that I’m down, and I have the right to feel whatever I’m feeling. I don’t deserve cancer, but I do deserve to the right to be wherever I am, working through whatever I’m working through and feeling no need to apologize for it.
I’m off to find a blanket to wallow under.
Good for you Beth. Tell it like it is. And perhaps you'll get a bit of respite for having got it out in the open. You will never lose love and respect by being honest, even if it is hard to write and sad to read.
ReplyDeleteOne foot in front of another ... slowly. Stop for a breather. And make sure there's space under your blanket for us to join you.
Big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Good for you! It is exhausting trying pretend you are up all the time. And you are right - it is a lie!! I love this, and I am ANGRY that this thief is causing you to go through it. Thank you for sharing this so openly and honestly. Hope you found a cosie blanket to wallow under on this rainy evening!!
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