I'm doing it my way

Last month, I went to the American Cancer Society's Look Good, Feel Better seminar and was practically chastised for not wearing my wig...and false eyelashes. Hey, I've got ten eyelashes left on each eye. What do I need with falsies? And for me, wearing a wig just doesn't feel honest...nor is it very comfortable, even with the Coolmax wig liner they insisted I get.

I'm a hat and scarf girl. I'd rather accessorize than hide. Besides, it's kinda wonderful how nice complete strangers are when I go out in public with my scarf on my head and my peach ribbon on my lapel. It's perhaps the only perk of going through chemo. I'm not about to forgo that opportunity. The guy at the Burger King drive-thru even told me today that I was looking very glam, in my black cloche hat with my grandmother's brooch accentuating the brim. (Yes, I know I shouldn't be eating fast food, but at least it was chicken...not a burger, no fries, and nothing but water to drink. So, hush up.)

I've been reading other cancer blogs lately...lots of breast, prostate, and lung cancer out there. I haven't yet found another gynecological cancer blog. What I have found is a lot of anthropomorphizing of cancer, as if it was some sentient being determined to colonize the human race. A devil to be exorcised. Please. Cancer is biology. Terribly unfortunate biology, but biology nonetheless.

Today, a friend asked me if I was angry at my cancer. No, I'm really not. I'm angry that my life has been derailed. I'm angry to think that my children might have to grow up without me, that my husband might have to be a single parent. I'm angry that stage IV cancer means there is no cure, just a hope for remission, a very long remission. I'm angry I'll be a cancer patient for the rest of my life. I'm angry with my situation but, no, I'm not angry at misprogrammed cells in my body.

I don't believe that my getting cancer is part of some larger plan, some life lesson to be learned or test to be passed. However, I do believe I can learn from this experience.

I don't believe that merely being positive will influence my outcome...but I do think being resolved will. I am resolved to be that patient that just wont let anything drop until I get a satisfactory answer. I am resolved to exorcise my stress with activity, connecting with others, meditation and getting good rest. I am resolved to keep my children's lives as normal as possible for as long as possible. I am resolved to accept every emotion I feel during this journey. I am resolved to keep reading and writing.

I'm doing this thing my way.