I am stunned by how little relief I feel from finishing chemo. For 18 weeks, that was my goal, just get through it. Now what?
I've got to find my new raison d'être. Taking a nap can be the highlight of my day for just so long.
I heard about this. It's not being diagnosed with and treated for cancer that's hard. It's the day-to-day living with cancer that's the challenge. I feel this incredible self-imposed pressure to do something meaningful, something exceptional. Something that makes this time I've hopefully gained from going through chemo worth everything.
Surely I've got some new lease on life. Some important perspective to share. Life wisdom gained.
But, right now, I got nothin'. The thought of making plans for anything is terrifying, and yet, I'm not feeling terribly patient.
I guess when napping becomes boring, something will come to me.
Dear Beth,
ReplyDeleteIt is impossible to imagine how you must feel though when I read what you write, it touches me profoundly. I can understand that you would want to do something meaningful, exceptional now the chemo phase is over.
Of course you have gained life wisdom, you now understand the world of cancer, the world of uncertainty, which makes life even more precious, day to day living needs to be made the most of, needs to me more meaningful than it often seems.
I'm sure after your experience there would be a feeling of urgency to do the kind of thing that I think all of us would love to achieve in our lifetimes such as to help others, to give something worth giving to humanity, to try to help humanity to live in peace, to write a novel or a book of poetry, to paint a masterpiece, but not many of us manage to achieve such things!
Your life is already so meaningful! You and your husband are doing a wonderful job of raising two lovely young men. Being a mother is an important and meaningful job, one of the most meaningful that exists, I know you know that.
You are so good at writing, capturing the events of the moment and imparting them so that your reader can really be gripped with emotion, can feel the gravity, the fear and then the relief when the test results are good.
A marvelous thing to do would be to write the book maybe, you have already done a lot of the groundwork, written your true feelings and experiences in what you have so far on this blog. In book form could help others who in the future may be going through the same as you are going through now.
Just sayin' ;)
It would probably be far too much to contemplate doing right now, you have enough to do and worry about already and need to be kind to yourself and take it easy!
Hope you are getting good naps Beth and regaining your strength. All my best wishes and prayers. Happy Sunday
Lots of love
Angela